Sometimes the best prayers are the ones we make without really thinking about what we are praying for, and without thinking that God might actually answer the prayer. I had a prayer like that shortly after my divorce. I was going on a day trip to the beach with a group of singles in their thirties and forties from my church. I didn’t have anyone to care for my dogs, so I was going to be bringing them with me and only had room for one other person in my rig.
I was nervous about the trip. I had only been to two prior events, and did not have any connection with any of the guys. And I didn’t want to be paired up or perceived as paired up with one of the gals. So I casually threw out a prayer that God would bring someone to ride out to the beach with me.
I pulled up to the church in my rig, loaded with my three Golden Retrievers, and saw a crowd gathered. I approached the church entrance, where they had set up a continental breakfast. I had already eaten, but decided to grab a few pieces of fruit. A guy who was attending an event for the first time since I started attending was loading up as I approached. We introduced ourselves and began chatting. His name was Steve. As we chatted we quickly found that we had a lot in common. We both had a background of work in the grocery business. He had been a sales representative for Frito Lay while I managed the frozen food department of a local grocery store. He left the grocery business to work as a financial adviser. I had recently studied to be a financial adviser, but decided against it before making the switch. We both shared a passion for ministry. He was currently involved in a ministry to the unemployed, while I was planning to get back into ministry soon. We also found that we both loved the outdoors and were avid hikers.
After we discussed these common interests, Steve looked me in the eye, tilted his head back, and asked, “Is anyone riding out to the beach with you?” I told him, “No,” and invited him to join me. We ended up talking non-stop the whole way there and back. We mostly talked about our marriages and our divorces, but also talked about some of our favorite hikes, about our recent losses in the stock market, about sports, and a wide variety of other things. Both of us were talkative by nature, and neither of us dominated the other in the conversation.
Steve and I quickly became close friends. We both kept active in the singles activities, but also hung out together apart from the singles group. On one occasion we went on a hike with a few other guys in the group to Ramona Falls, near Mt. Hood, where I grew up. On the way back I took them to a favorite childhood swimming hole. It felt good once again to be doing some of the activities that I loved doing before I got married.
Steve often came over to my place, where we would hang out in the hot tub and talk about the things going on in our lives. On one of his visits I asked him if he had dinner that evening. He said that he hadn’t, so I put something together for him. As he ate, he looked at me and asked, “Why would a woman ever leave you?”
Some of the girls of Common Ground were amused with how Steve and I seemed to enjoy hanging out with each other more than with them. We didn’t care. We were doing exactly what they had recommended in the Divorce Recovery class, focusing on same sex friendships rather than quickly jumping into romantic relationships. It was healthy, and we were healing.
In the divorce recovery class they recommended one year of recovery time for every four years that one was married. Of course nearly everyone in the class considered themselves an exception to that guideline, myself included. I was very sure I didn’t need anywhere close to that much time. A friend in the class, Stephanie, had been married for 30 years. I frequently did the math for her and informed her that since she had been single for 6 months, she only needed to wait another 7 years before dating. At this, she would look at me with her big brown eyes, laugh, and say, “No way!”
Steve and I both started dating soon after our marriages ended. While I went on a few dates and then stopped dating, Steve continued to explore the possibilities. That fall Steve and I spent a day together at an Oregon Ducks football game in Eugene. During the drive, Steve told me about three women in the singles group that he was considering. Two of them were not healthy women. But the third, Alisha, was a remarkable woman. Rather than go into detail about the unhealthy ones, I strongly encouraged him to check Alisha out. When we got home, I gave him a copy of an email about a ministry trip that she had sent to our singles group that really showed her heart. Another thing that impressed me was how she was able to laugh at herself during a volleyball game where she and I were playing poorly. It told me she was healthy.
Steve had met Alisha briefly on a camping trip the previous summer, but after meeting the women on the trip he went home thinking, “Well she’s not here.” After the football game Steve took my recommendation to heart and started getting to know Alisha better. A few weeks later he approached me with a look of wonder on his face and said, “Randy, you were right about Alisha!”
While Steve may have eventually figured it out on his own, he also may have unwittingly burned his bridges by aggressively dating too many women in the group. As it was he was already getting a reputation with some of being a player. I simply helped him to not stumble around and to focus on the right woman.
On two of their first dates they took the time for each to tell their story to the other. Alisha was in a small group that I was leading at the time, and before the date when Steve was going to share his story she hung around after the meeting and waited for everyone else to leave. I knew she wanted to talk to me. After everyone else had left she approached me and simply said, “Describe Steve.”
Although Steve and I had spent a lot of time together I had never analyzed him that way, yet had no trouble answering her question. “With Steve, what you see is what you get,” I replied. “There are no hidden agendas or secrets. He is completely upfront and honest. He is a person with complete integrity and no deception.”
She then told me that the last time they spent together she had shared her story and the next time Steve was going to share his. “How should I respond to him?” she asked. I shared with her some of the careless comments I had received about my own divorce and the underlying messages they communicated to me. I rambled on at length about it to the point that I wondered later if I had communicated very well to her. I asked her what she had heard and she simply replied, “Listen.” Later Steve told me, “I don’t know what you said to her, but whatever it was, she was awesome.”
Early on in their romance Alisha accompanied Steve on one of his meetings with a client. During their meeting she sat in a coffee shop and wrote Steve’s name on the middle of a piece of paper. She then neatly wrote the qualities about him that she had observed and admired around his name. After his meeting she gave it to him. Steve was deeply touched and cried as he read the note. His ex-wife had criticized him heavily and it was healing beyond words to have a woman build him up rather than tear him down.
Around this time one night Steve sensed God telling him, “Read Ruth.” “How much of it?” he asked God. “All of it,” was the reply. So he did. In the story of Ruth, Steve read about how Boaz, though he was considerably older, was willing to marry a young widow whose husband had died before they had any children. Boaz did marry the widow and had children with her. Steve then shared with Alisha that God had put it on his heart that He wanted him to pursue her like Boaz pursued Ruth. What he didn’t realize was that she had been praying that God would provide a love in her life like that of Ruth and Boaz! Steve then approached Alisha’s mother and asked for her permission to court her daughter, and was given that permission.
One of the challenges Steve and Alisha faced was whether Steve was willing to have children again. Steve had been married and had a 17 year old daughter, and Alisha was 8 years younger and had never been married or had children, and she was adamant about wanting to do so. Steve had absolutely no qualms about Alisha’s desire to have children. He had hoped to have more children in his prior marriage, but after his ex-wife gave birth to their daughter she announced to Steve that she was unwilling to have any more children. Steve cried. He had always wanted a son, also.
Although Alisha had never experienced divorce in a marriage she had experienced it in her parents’ marriage. Steve’s daughter had also been hurt deeply by the divorce, and now her mother was not there for her at a time when she really needed her. Because Alisha had experienced divorce in her own family she understood his daughter’s needs, and God put it on her heart to be a mentor to her.
Several months into their relationship Steve and Alisha began to seriously consider marriage. They involved their family, friends and mentors in the decision-making process. During one of our times together, as we sat in the hot tub, Steve began discussing their relationship and possible marriage. At first I didn’t realize Steve’s intention of using me as a sounding board, and began chatting along with him. He looked at me and said, “Randy, shut up and listen!”
I then listened to Steve and then gave the input he sought. I did mention that my ex-wife and I only knew each other for a year before we married and there were some challenging surprises. I told him how I liked that they both had complete access to the other’s close acquaintances, and were able to get extensive input about each other’s character. I also asked whether there was enough physical attraction towards each other and Steve assured me that there was. Alisha is beautiful on the outside as well, but I wanted to hear Steve confirm that. Then I told Steve what he was really asking for, that I was okay with them getting married.
Six months after they began dating they got married at a beautiful ocean-side resort in Yachats, Oregon on a cloudy spring day. The rain held off and the sun came out just long enough for the wedding. I stood next to Steve along with the other groomsmen and bridesmaids out on a grassy knoll covered with tiny lavender flowers as the Pacific Ocean pounded against the rocks below. As Alisha walked along the knoll to where we were standing, the guests stood and craned their necks to get a good look at her. I wondered how Steve was doing and turned just in time to see a tear run down his cheek as he watched his beautiful bride walking toward him. All the pain, all the heartache of the past didn’t matter anymore. He was marrying the woman of his dreams!
As we all packed up the next morning I bumped into Steve’s father, a pastor and pastor’s son for four generations. Knowing my similar experience to Steve’s divorce he looked at me and said in a deep, booming voice, “Take courage in what God has done for Steve and Alisha. God has a way of restoring the years the locust has eaten.” I immediately knew that God had just spoken to me through him!
One of Steve’s favorite sayings is, “Let God surprise you,” and that is exactly what God did, both in providing the perfect male companion on the morning of that beach trip, and in providing a wonderful wife for that friend, and then blessing him with two more children, first another daughter named Grace, and then a son named Ian.
